On Feminist Men

Part of the problem with men being part of feminism is that ‘community’ isn’t like it traditionally was used. In most things called ‘communities’, most people know everyone else or it’s run by people who try to be familiar with everyone. Even these days, in small towns, some people will hear about everyone else in town even if you dont’ meet face to face. But communities and movements like feminism- there are people in them that will never ever meet or hear about each other. A privileged person can’t be accepted into a community and have everyone know why and know that it’s because the person’s given signs that they deserve it and aren’t just abusing their privilege and trying to make yet another space all about them.

And a lot of people do abuse that, you get men who claim to be feminists because they think it’ll get them what they want from women or so they can use feminist key-words to attack women who speak against misogyny, you get various privileged people claim to support people they have privilege over so they can take over and get a power trip while getting back-pats from other privileged people.

Whether or not men ‘can’ be feminists, seeing a man who you don’t know claiming to be a feminist is going to be a red flag for a lot of people because of people who do that.

But, really, any man who’s calling himself a feminist really should be aware of his privilege enough to be aware of that and accept it.

Questioning

Questioning your gender is an incredibly delicate time. Any trans-friendly resource you can find (or apparently trans friendly resource) can have a much bigger effect on you than it’s likely to later on. Now, everything in our lives effects us, but when you’re still coming into your identity and aren’t quite sure who you are and are able to find acceptance for what may be the first time, that can be a bigger deal than when you’re comfortable with yourself. This isn’t always for the best.

My first trans-friendly resource was an incredibly binarist forum. Because of that forum, I spent a year and a half trying to identify as male even though someone had told me about neutrois my first day there because people told me that it was unacceptable to be neutrois.  Even for half a year after I found a non binarist trans resource, the effects of that first one were still pretty heavy on me.

So when I keep hearing about how the leader of the cisCenter is so great for helping people who are questioning their gender identity, that makes me really uncomfortable. From what I can tell, she doesn’t direct them to trans-run resources. She may take them to a trans conference, but not immediately. She basically sets it up so that they’re main source of support is cis people who, well, are very possibly transphobic cis supremacists. These trans people think it’s totally okay for cis people to be in charge of educating about trans issues. Who think that just being a feminist helps trans people. I don’t get the feeling that they feel comfortable speaking up for themselves or even being out on this campus.

It really makes me uncomfortable. The whole thing does. The closest trans support group is an hour away, so it’s very very likely that these people won’t be able to get a non-transphobic “trans friendly” resource until after they graduate from this place. So if they do realize later on that she added to their internalized transphobia and cis supremacy, they’ll probably be in no position to tell her this and she’ll just keep on doing what she’s doing. I don’t think she’s set out intending to do this harm, but that really doesn’t matter, does it? Maybe she is helping them, but really? She could be doing a damn better job of it.

Blame

I really need to come up with a pseudonym for the leader of the cisCenter… But, back at the thing that “didn’t go as bad as it could’ve“, she asked me if I blamed Keith for what was happening. I’m not really sure what she wants me to say- yes. I blame Keith for his actions. I already acknowledged my part in it, but that doesn’t erase what he’s done. I do not control him, I am not responsible for his actions and he is not responsible for mine. So, yes, I do blame Keith for what he’s done because he’s the one that’s done it. But I didn’t say that, I said “I didn’t think he’s doing it on purpose, but he is doing it” or something like that.

And, you know what, no. I don’t blame Keith for what happened. I blame her. Because I don’t think Keith is the one who put those ideas in his head. She called him and his girlfriend the “Best Allies”. I’m sure she’s the one who either put the idea that being an ally means you’re allowed to mistreat the people you’re an ally of because you’re more important. And the way she treats trans people, well, it’s no surprise.

Intersections

A person who is both intersex and trans has written about the intersection and problems between the intersex and trans groups . The post listed why the person feels the groups could be able to work together, as well as the complaints both sides have about the other. The intersex complaints was a long explanation of how trans people dismiss the pain and problems intersex people face, fetishize them, appropriate intersex conditions, etc. About “Trans Complaints”, this is what was said:

Not Your Mom’s Trans 101

Not Your Mom’s Trans 101.  Introduction below:

There is a huge problem with the way that people are taught about gender in this society. Children are indoctrinated early to believe that there are two sexes, corresponding with two genders, which are both immutable and non-voluntary and completely beyond our control. This worldview is called the gender binary, and it has no room in it for us.

Trying to teach a new perspective to the victims of this extremely aggressive brainwashing can be daunting. In fact, the task can seem downright impossible. The temptation, therefore, is to “dumb things down” for the benefit of a cisgender audience. This situation has given rise to a set of oversimplifications collectively known as “Trans 101.” These rather absurd tropes, such as “blank trapped in a blank’s body” cause confusion among even well-meaning cis folks, feed internalized transphobia among us trans people, and  provide endless straw-man fodder for transphobic ‘radical feminists,’ entitled cisgender academics, and other bigots.

Read this. It is awesome, and I love the way that Asher words things. One thing that I don’t like about how trans 101 works is that it dumbs it down, which means two things. 1. Trans people are too complicated to be explained without putting us in cis-acceptable (aka: transphobic) terminology 2. cis people are too stupid to understand trans people.

Obviously, this being a cis privileged world, the first is what’s believed. But I really don’t buy into the second one. Cis people are perfectly capable of understanding trans stuff- they just choose not to.

Also, “dumbing it down” is really code for “allowing trans experiences to be defined and controlled by cis people”. It isn’t dumbed down the way trans people feel is appropriate- it’s catered to the way that cis people demand that the information be presented to them, and way too many refuse to accept it any other way.

Good Ally Work via Are Women Human?

Read the full post here

Good ally work also means learning to check ourselves – to acknolwedge our own bigotries and privilege.  When (not if) we’re called out for doing or saying something offensive, are we more concerned with the fact that we’ve caused hurt or offense, or with defending the illusion that we’re incapable of ever doing or saying something offensive?  Good ally work requires us to evaluate ourselves not by our intentions, but by the effects of our speech and actions – not so we feel guilty (which helps no one), but so we can do better.  We also need to own whatever privilege we might have at the expense of others – whether that’s based on skin color, sex, gender identity, sexuality, socioeconomic status, body shape, mental and physical health or abilities, religion, etc.  We need to acknowledge how our privilege has given us access to opportunities and resources that others don’t have, and use our privilege to make those benefits freely and equally accessible to all.  We also need to recognize that both privilege and discrimination are intersectional, not one-dimensional.

Quotes that make me feel better about this

SnarkysMachine commenting on gudbuytjane

Yeah. I often said I am more leery of my allies than my so-called “enemies”. There is just as much motivation to maintain privilege , while trying to usher in a kinder, gentler version of the status quo.

Can we stop using the term ally?

By self-identifying as an ally, you are building an identity on others’ oppression. This is profoundly appropriative, because it is making oppression you do not experience part of your own identity. It also furthers the Othering of oppressed classes, as it once again has people defining themselves in terms of not being the Other, and reinforcing the view of the Other at the margins.

So, if you’re acknowledging your privilege, seeing how you systematically benefit from it, and centering the concerns of those who do not share said privilege, you’re trying to be a decent human being. Congratulations. Have a cookie. And if you’re actively engaging in anti-oppression work in areas in which you’re not oppressed, you’re doing solidarity work. Just say you’re working in solidarity with members of the oppressed class. This centers the work being done, and the members of the oppressed class, and not you. Because when you’re a member of the oppressor class in dealing with a particular oppression, It. Is. Not. About. You.

How to be an “ally”

1. Announce yourself as an ally, verbally or through your many awareness wristbands, in case anyone forgets.
6. Use the phrases “not always” and “that’s not what I meant” when someone has challenged you, because they don’t understand what your real intention was and you shouldn’t bother learning what was problematic with what you did say, misspoke or not.
7. Tell people to respect your separate identity as an ally, since you are giving up a lot of your time an energy just to be an ally.
8. Point out that everyone should engage with each other in a “respectful” manner, and not get angry, so that everyone will learn, but in the event you get angry, your anger is always justified.
9. Ask oppressed people to educate you on basics of their “lifestyle” firsthand. Make sure you do it when they are talking about something important.
10. Say that you’re “still” learning as your personal disclaimer for any fuckups you will most certainly commit. That way no one can call you offensive since your “intent” was not there.
14. Don’t critique any of your behaviours as a part of a system of oppression, because you are only appreciating, not appropriating.
15. When someone of the oppressed group tells you to check yourself, or asks how you negotiate your identity, tell the entire oppressed group they are silencing your voice, which never ever gets heard anywhere else.
16. Use “previously” offensive words (towards your “allied” oppressed group) in a reclaimatory sense, because you know that words only have as much power as we give them.
17. Ask marginalized people to source their statements or give proof because they could be tricking you into feeling guilt.

“Tone argument” via the GeekFeminism wiki under the category Silencing Tactics

A tone argument is an argument used in discussions, sometimes by Concern trolls and sometimes as a Derailment, in which it is suggested that feminists would be more successful if only they expressed themselves in a more pleasant tone.
[...]
A metaphor for refuting the tone argument:

If you tread on someone’s toes, and they tell you to get off, then get off their toes. Don’t tell them to “ask nicely”.

Actually, ignorance IS transphobia via QuestioningTransphobia

Violence against trans bodies is maintained by ignorance.

Ignorance is what fuels the vast majority of transphobia, not necessarily outright hatred.  It’s what makes it hard for us to get work, what leaves us with few options to get by.  Combined with fear, it fuels the bathroom panic.

Ignorance is what makes it hard to get decent medical care.  When a doctor doesn’t know how to treat you, I’m sorry that’s a fucking problem.  When a housing shelter doesn’t have a  policy for people like you so you “just happen” to get put into your assigned sex to be put at risk of violence and rape, that’s a problem.  Indeed, it’s not overstating the case to say that ignorance directly contributes to our deaths.

Ignorance is what tires us out, what saps our energy by making us answer the same question with every new person, every new institution.  What makes us fight the same battles, over and over so we don’t have the energy to take care of ourselves.

The one thing ignorance is not is innocent, it is about having the power not to know and not to care..  and we simply can’t afford to be naive enough to think otherwise.

Why trans people should lead trans stuff

1. Cis people being in charge makes it seem as though we aren’t capable of being in charge ourselves (or of ourselves), and furthers their own privilege by being able to frame it how they want it, even at the expense of what trans people want. Even the best allies who are fully receptive and take every single thing any trans person ever says to them to heart, never gets offensive, etc is still in a position where, if they wanted, they could EASILY drastically screw over trans people. Now put them in a position of power over how trans stuff is dealt with and presented, and the damage they can do is amplified.

2. These are our lives. If a cis person says something offensive about trans people- it doesn’t effect them. At the most htey say “oh, my bad” and maybe feel guilty and try again later. It effects us, it effects us when people go around thinking offensive things about trans people because someone will use that to hurt us. This is also further amplified because cis people will often listen to another cis person over trans people, so anything busted they say is seen as “more valid” than a trans person saying “that’s busted”.

3. These are our lives. If a cis person wants, they can tune out transphobia, including their own. They don’t have to be aware of it every second, they don’t have to scry to see if an angry comment or dirty look was because they were trans (because they aren’t). We do. Trans people have to eat, sleep, and breathe the reality of being trans, be aware that an offhand remark can change the tone of the night from enjoyable to terrifying, know just how the world sees us (and how we are taught to see ourselves). The reality of being cis does NOTHING to teach you of what it is to be trans, even if being cis while lacking another privilege (eg. being a woman, not straight, person of color, person with disabilities, non-neurotypical, intersex, etc) may help you to understand what it is to lack the privilege of being cis a bit better. But you still don’t know what it is to be trans, and you still have the freedom to spend time not worrying about trans issues, never wondering if someone is looking at you in your new suit because they like how you look or because they think you’re a freak for wearing it, never worrying that someone will make a “tranny” or “sex change” joke and ruin your night.

4. You don’t need a formal club or workshop or anything else to fight transphobia and cissupremacy. As a cis person, you can just speak positively about trans people to other cis people, call out transphobia and cissupremacy when you see it. Reread the last line of point 2- your words are given more power and volume than trans words. Just by saying, whenever someone says “tranny” or makes a “sex change” joke, “Hey- that’s messed up, you’re being a jerk”. Hell, just by not laughing. Just by giving a raised eyebrow and pointed look of “That’s pathetic”, before changing the subject and going on with your day.  Vote for trans-positive laws, push your government representatives to be in favor of trans-positive laws. You don’t need a formal club to help trans people. And, quite frankly, it’s better not to have one if you want to be the one to run it.

Revolution

I have been trying to remind myself of two things today: 1. They have no power over me if I don’t give them that power, I’ve been overestimating the amount of influence they have. 2. I don’t have to fight them if I don’t want to. And I don’t, I’m not interested in a power struggle with someone who has a host of privileges (male, cis, straight, possibly neurotypical* and some class stuff going on) over me, when I have none over them.

I’ll hopefully be meeting with Em to watch a movie this weekend. I’ll see if she’s up for a revolution. I know at least one professor who is. (and by revolution, at least right now, I mean doing the fiasco that happened before and should’ve been a trans-run event right, making a separate club next semester, and maybe, just maybe, submitting an article to the school newspaper about the trans 101 workshop. I’ll leave everyone else’s names off of it- that one is all mine.)
The article will, of course, be politically written. Written to inform people about it, say that while trans people aren’t running it they are involved, and that if anyone wants to hear from actual trans people about trans 101- do not go to the “trans” group, but go straight to the source. We’ll hopefully have a group next semester.

*I don’t think I am, I think he is, etc.
**I don’t htink this is an actual revolution, btu saying it feels nice. Like something’s actually gonna get done. And it sounds better than “seceding”. The south lost.

My Pronoun Hierarchy

I know that there are plenty of (maybe most) people who only find one or two pronouns acceptable and nothing else will do. But for me it’s actually not that easy, there is a hierarchy of pronouns that are good or bad.

(text version:)

Best: Thon/thon/thons/thonself, they/them/their/theimself

Acceptable: he/him/his/himself

Activism-only*: it/it/its/itself

Not good: Other invented pronouns

Just don’t: sie/hir/hirs/hirself

There are easier ways to get me to stop talking to you: she/her/hers/herself

Number fail: they/them/their/themselves

Essentially:Stick to the first one and we’ll be great. Stick to the second one and we’ll be alright.  Drift any lower and we have issues. If you really want to use “themselves” I actually don’t have a problem with that, but will be amused. At your expense.

*activism only explanation: I generally don’t like it, but if you ever run into someone who insists that ‘it’ is inherently dehumanizing (a concept that I find to be extremely binarist and busted), you have my blessing and encouragement to point to me while saying “So you’re saying that your view of pronouns is more important than using the right pronouns for it?!”.  However, you are not allowed to use it for shock value, sensationalism, or cheapening trans or non-binary issues. You really aren’t allowed to use it disrespectfully. For all other times- stick to the first 2 on the chart.