“Marriage Equality is Not a Transgender Issue” – HRC’s repeated failure and why I hate that their symbol is becoming the symbol for marriage equality

HRC has a long history of contension with the transgender community. Because of this, it should come as no surprise that at what is, to date, probably the most important development for the fight for marriage equality, that contension once again arose.

At the Supreme Court hearings, where many gay rights supporters had gathered, a transgender pride flag was placed near the podium. HRC reps asked that the transgender flag be removed, claiming that “marriage equality is not a transgender issue”. HRC is claiming that this did not happen and it is not their policy, however people who were actually there say otherwise. (1, 2) One person even claims that the HRC reps continued harassing the person over this flag.

Anyone who thinks that marriage equality doesn’t effect transgender people has NOT been paying attention. Courts repeatedly rule that heterosexual marriages between a transgender and cisgender person are not legally valid, because the transgender person is “really” their birth sex. I’ve seen it claimed that in same-sex marriages that take place before the transgender partner transitions (by which I mean a trans woman marrying a cis woman, or trans man marrying a cis man) will still be valid after the partner’s transition- however I have not seen anything that makes it clear that they would not face problems. Also, when my financial aid department believed that I had legally changed my sex, I was told that I had to apply for financial aid as “single” as the federal government would not acknowledge my marriage- which suggests that legal transition does, in fact, impact your marital status.

The most heartwrenching thing about the marriage situation for transgender people is that these cases almost always come up only when the cisgender spouse dies and their family wants to deny the transgender person what any widow/er has a right to. Instead of being allowed to mourn the death of their loved ones in peace, transgender people are thrown into the public spotlight and have their entire lives and relationship torn apart by bigots. This has happened as recently as 2010 to Nikki Araguz, the appeal to that case is still ongoing. The exact argument against her is that she is “really” a man, and since same-sex marriage is not legal in Texas, their marriage is invalid.

But “marriage equality is not a transgender issue”.

I’m sure that some people would justify this by insisting that all of our problems will go away once same-sex marriage is legal, so transgender people should shut up, sit down, and stop trying to have our problems acknowledged. This is not an acceptable solution, though. Marriage law effects transgender people in ways that it does not and will never effect cis queers, and this needs to be acknowledged.

Marriage equality IS a transgender issue because it is an issue that effects transgender people.

Meanwhile, the HRC symbol is being spread far and wide across the internet as THE symbol for marriage equality. “Equality”? This is an organization that has repeatedly actively excluded transgender people, cutting us out of bills that would offer us protection from discrimination and acknowledge hate crimes against us. But their symbol stands for “equality”. That’s a laugh.

I give up.

I give up on trying to learn East Asian Languages at this school. I cannot take a class with that teacher, I’m not nearly neurotypical enough to, so Japanese is out. And the Chinese teacher…

Over the break before the semester started, I emailed him about pronouns. As I do with all my teachers. After an interaction that ended with him failing to get back to me, he decided that while he “understood my view” he wasn’t going to do it. In class, not only have the students used the incredibly triggering “she” for me, so did he. One girl picked up on all of it and corrected someone to “he” once. It should tell you the state of the world that that was probably the most heartfelt thank you anyone has gotten from me.

Mandarin, which is just spoken*, has a neutral 3rd-singular pronoun for all. “ta“, with a high flat tone. Should be ideal, right?

No. I know that the people using it think I’m a girl, so it’s now triggering. I’ve never been in favor of only one pronoun, but times like this remind me of why I want gender-implying pronouns. Or even if not gender implying, respect implying. And I don’t give a damn if cis people think they’re being respectful when they smash my identity under their heals and pour salt into wounds that may never heal- they aren’t. I don’t know how to fix this, I realized it one day and wanted to throw up.

I don’t have the spoons to try again with him. I’m finishing this semester, and that’s it.

The way the class is being taught, I should be able to teach myself well enough after it’s over. I have a few people I could get to know better who speak Mandarin Chinese way better than me. I would say natively, but I know one hasn’t been from birth and I don’t know when it counts as natively. Better than me, at least. I don’t know how well I can keep in contact if they go back to China over summer, but I’ll try.

This is upsetting for me. I would’ve liked to minor in one of them, I’m not very good at teaching myself (although at least with Japanese, my partner intends to become a Japanese teacher). This world doesn’t believe you can teach yourself. I’m going to try to get the school, specifically that teacher (apparently, for some reason, she’s allowed to make all decisions when people try to go to Japan), to let me go to a University that has a program specifically for people who have little to no knowledge of Japanese (and also teaches Latin, Ancient Greek, and Chinese) for my year abroad so my partner and I won’t be half a world away.

*the written Chinese language, if you can read it, can be read no matter what dialect is spoken by the writer. There are probably differences in writing style, but the words are the same because they’re characters. I think simplified vs traditional isn’t as easily understandable, although not all characters effect.

The Chinese language has 3 written 3rd-singular pronouns- one for men, one for women, one for inanimate objects. I am totally okay with being called the inanimate object one if it’s done with respect.

Entertainment

One of the most annoying things, for me, of not having privileges is how hard it is to find entertainment that isn’t triggering. It’s next to impossible. I read a lot of webcomics, and a ton of them throw in random transphobia for the hell of it. Something Positive makes “tranny” jokes (I can not be bothered to find proof), and the author hasn’t gotten back to me about why. C’est La Vie just… ugh. Same with El Goonish Shive. I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and on.

And, most recently (for me), Scandinavia and the World failed. Twice. First: (both quotes are from the artist’s comments) “Denmark was the first country in the world to turn a transsexual man into a woman. … Sweden is not a fan of man-boobs” Second: “Denmark once invented man-breasts“

HAHAHAHA IT’S SO FUNNY BECAUSE, SEE, THE AUTHOR DOESN’T KNOW JACKSHIT ABOUT TRANSITION OR WHAT GOES INTO IT OR HOW THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE, REGARDLESS OF COERCIVELY ASSIGNED SEX, HAVE BREAST TISSUE OR HOW SOME CAMAB PEOPLE NATURALLY HAVE “BREASTS” AND BECAUSE TRANS WOMEN AREN’T REALLY WOMEN, THEY’RE MEN- HAHA, SILLY MEN WHO THINK THEY ARE WOMEN

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, really, I’ve got two options here:

1. Figure out how to be completely unphased by this, especially because there are no trigger warnings so I can’t be like “okay, this next bit contains transphobia, I’m ready”.

2. Stop trying to read things I enjoy because it may end up like this, which is seriously upsetting for me.

The Vagina Monologues

My school did the vagina monologues. I did not go. I don’t know if they did either of the two about trans women, but I sure as hell hope they didn’t because I’m pretty sure that, if they did, they were performed by cis women. I only know of one trans woman on this campus and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t in it. Maybe they did have trans women doing it if they did it, but I doubt it.

They’ve been advertising in part with posters that feature a line drawing of a person’s torso from roughly the hips to below the bust. It is clearly curvy, considerably more curvy than you’d expect someone perceived as male to be and even curvier than a good number of people perceived as female. Not to get into how people identify. It’s also thin. The poster features a microphone roughly in the area of this line art’s genitalia because, you know, the vagina is talking. Even though the play is people talking about their vaginas.

Only it isn’t. It’s Women talking about women’s vaginas. Well, vulvas. But anatomy fail aside, it’s just about women. Even though women aren’t the only one who have or even want vaginas or vulvas. And not all women have them. I will be okay wtih the monologues when and only when they feature a really burly, been on T 10+ years trans guy who you’d “never guess” isn’t cis go upthere and talk honestly about how much he loves his vagina. And a few other men as well, ones who never want to take T, ones who don’t look cis, ones who are really feminine. And, of course, non-binaries as well. But I want the stereotype of macho manliness to talk about how much he loves his vagina.

I don’t really care how much you love this play, it’s cis supremacist as hell because of the way it associates vaginas with women. The advertising in this specific case was horrific for the same reason. I don’t care for any apologist bullshit about how it’s okay to erase and degender all the non-women out there who have vaginas and/or who have curvy bodies because “but they help women feel good about their bodies!”. Yes, it is horrible the way that non-societally-accepted-as-male bodies are treated. But fixing that by adding to the oppression of people isn’t okay.

This really gets to me because, yeah, my body looks a bit like that poster. It is curvy. Too curvy to be perceived as male. It’s probably at least part of the reason people constantly mistake me for a woman. Associating my body type with “women-only” shit is to erase my gender, and the gender of all curvy people who aren’t women. It is to reinforce the very problem that makes it so that I, and a good number of those like me, will never be correctly perceived. That isn’t okay.

Questioning

Questioning your gender is an incredibly delicate time. Any trans-friendly resource you can find (or apparently trans friendly resource) can have a much bigger effect on you than it’s likely to later on. Now, everything in our lives effects us, but when you’re still coming into your identity and aren’t quite sure who you are and are able to find acceptance for what may be the first time, that can be a bigger deal than when you’re comfortable with yourself. This isn’t always for the best.

My first trans-friendly resource was an incredibly binarist forum. Because of that forum, I spent a year and a half trying to identify as male even though someone had told me about neutrois my first day there because people told me that it was unacceptable to be neutrois.  Even for half a year after I found a non binarist trans resource, the effects of that first one were still pretty heavy on me.

So when I keep hearing about how the leader of the cisCenter is so great for helping people who are questioning their gender identity, that makes me really uncomfortable. From what I can tell, she doesn’t direct them to trans-run resources. She may take them to a trans conference, but not immediately. She basically sets it up so that they’re main source of support is cis people who, well, are very possibly transphobic cis supremacists. These trans people think it’s totally okay for cis people to be in charge of educating about trans issues. Who think that just being a feminist helps trans people. I don’t get the feeling that they feel comfortable speaking up for themselves or even being out on this campus.

It really makes me uncomfortable. The whole thing does. The closest trans support group is an hour away, so it’s very very likely that these people won’t be able to get a non-transphobic “trans friendly” resource until after they graduate from this place. So if they do realize later on that she added to their internalized transphobia and cis supremacy, they’ll probably be in no position to tell her this and she’ll just keep on doing what she’s doing. I don’t think she’s set out intending to do this harm, but that really doesn’t matter, does it? Maybe she is helping them, but really? She could be doing a damn better job of it.

Next Post

The more you can accept the kyriarchy, the easier things are. It would be much easier for me if I could accept cis supremacy, if I could cower before the cis people who feel they deserve special treatment for taking spaces away from trans people. It would be easier if I could be happy with the support that takes little or no effort on the part of the people giving support. If I could tell myself that trans people are too complicated, that I deserve not to be treated as an equal, that I should be happy with the kind of transphobia that doesn’t involve spitting in my face. I’d have a lot more support, I’d be able to go through life feeling that things aren’t a horrible hideous mess.

One of the trans people at my school is like this. She can still go to the “trans” group and the “LGBTQ” center. She can talk to the cis supremacist asshole because she’s willing to bend to his will. But she isn’t really happier, not from what I can tell. I don’t want to sit there and smile and agree that cis people know best when around cis people, then lament to trans people that they aren’t doing what you need, that they’re disrespecting you, that it makes you so angry you want to throw a chair across the room. It would be easier. I would be able to delude myself, have the kind of support you get when you’re willing to swallow the poison they feed you. The kind that feels like strength in numbers but eats you up from the inside and and tells you that you deserve nothing more than to grovel at the feet of cis people in desperate hopes that they might toss you table scraps. You don’t even deserve the scraps, really, it’s pretty damn presumptive to expect them but you should grovel nonetheless because it pleases the cis people. And that’s all that really matters.

“LGBT”

As you may or may not know, this blog got started when a “LGBTQ” Center, specifically a “Trans Activism” group (run by a cis man), turned out to be spectacularly transphobic. Sadly, this is not terribly uncommon. Yes, it’s probably ignorance (which is transphobia)- but because the cis-privileged people I had to deal with responded to being told they were being offensive with either “you’re wrong” (and their proof of why was, of course, transphobic) and “it’s offensive to tell me I’m being offensive”, it is officially willful ignorance and not “innocent” misinformation. And while it isn’t my job to educate them, even if it were, I wouldn’t be able to do it and there’s absolutely no way to make this place trans friendly until they get over their privilege.

It bothers me to no end that this place is still called the “LGBTQ Center”. The “T” should indicate that it is a safe space for trans people. A group, club, organization,etc should never call itself “LGBT/Q” unless it backs that up by making sure it’s a safe space for every single letter. That means that if you’re doing activism, you do not drop trans issues to make it easier to make the changes. That means that you don’t stock books like “The Transsexual Empire” anywhere but in a section of “Know Your Enemy”. That means that if people are being biphobic or transphobic or anything else, you speak against it. And if you don’t, but someone else does- you let them and don’t let people bully them into silence. It means that you correct people who make a reference to “both” genders or sexes or being able to determine gender by genitals. That means making it clear that trans men are allowed to use the men’s room and trans women the women’s and trying to have a bathroom for non-binary genders and that anyone who has a problem with trans men using the men’s room or trans women using the women’s room is free to use the non-binary bathroom because you will not be othering trans people.

But that’s not usually what happens. It’s way too common for “LGBT” spaces and groups to be as transphobic as the most anti-gay church.  It can even got to the horrific extreme of a trans woman being beaten by cis gay men at a so-called “LGBT” place. And that is not the only time I’ve heard of it happening. I’ve seen cis lesbians bragging about ganging up on trans men who went to a LGBT night club. This is allowed to happen.

No place should ever be allowed to be called “LGBT” unless it is genuinely supportive of lesbian, gay, bisexual AND trans people. We should be able to know that places that have the “T” are actually safe for us. But there’s no way to make that actually happen.

Blame

I really need to come up with a pseudonym for the leader of the cisCenter… But, back at the thing that “didn’t go as bad as it could’ve“, she asked me if I blamed Keith for what was happening. I’m not really sure what she wants me to say- yes. I blame Keith for his actions. I already acknowledged my part in it, but that doesn’t erase what he’s done. I do not control him, I am not responsible for his actions and he is not responsible for mine. So, yes, I do blame Keith for what he’s done because he’s the one that’s done it. But I didn’t say that, I said “I didn’t think he’s doing it on purpose, but he is doing it” or something like that.

And, you know what, no. I don’t blame Keith for what happened. I blame her. Because I don’t think Keith is the one who put those ideas in his head. She called him and his girlfriend the “Best Allies”. I’m sure she’s the one who either put the idea that being an ally means you’re allowed to mistreat the people you’re an ally of because you’re more important. And the way she treats trans people, well, it’s no surprise.

Speaking freely, or not

A few friends of mine who recently spoke at a trans workshop told me about a cis-privileged woman who had said some things that they’d found offensive. Apparently this woman later defended it because some of the trans people she knows told her it wasn’t offensive. This is an incredibly busted argument, which I will get to. But first: this makes me wonder.

If I don’t find something offensive, I won’t think to walk up to someone- even someone I know well- and say “That wasn’t offensive” unless this person has a habit of offending me and I’m trying to teach them how not to. If that is the case, then she’s in the habit of offending trans people (so it’s possible that they said this wasn’t offensive because it wasn’t in comparison to what else she has said). Or, possibly more likely, she walked up to them and asked them if it wasn’t offensive because she was hurt by the mean old trans people who dared to assert their rights as humans, putting them in a bad situation where they would have to face her privilege if they said that it was and they may not have been up to that for any number of reasons. Or maybe they tried to say it was and, like a certain leader of a certain cisCenter, she explained to them why they were wrong and decided that the matter was settled and they agreed with her because they weren’t going to waste energy arguing with someone like that. Or maybe she just meant “Well, they didn’t SAY they found it offensive so they must not have” because they didn’t say anything about it. There’s any number of things that could have happened to make a person who found something offensive not say it was, or any number of situations where a person tries to say it is but gets ignored or twisted into something else by someone who doesn’t want to accept they said something offensive.

Obviously, this is speculation and it’s entirely possible these people really didnt’ find it offensive and that’s fine. It doesn’t make this any less busted, because this cis person still assumes that all trans people are the same- that they’re all offended by the same things, so if one person isn’t offended by something, no trans person can be. It removes the rights of trans people to have personal, individualized views and opinions. It also reinforces cis privilege under the guise of “See, a marginalized person agrees with me”.

I don’t want to do this

I don’t want to email my teachers to ask for the correct pronouns

I don’t want to go to another class or room or place where everyone thinks I’m a girl

I don’t want to have to explain my gender to have any hope of getting it

I don’t want to deal with a world that refuses to acknowledge I exist except to attack me

I don’t want to feel like I have to take T even if I don’t want what it’ll do to my body

I don’t want to have to wonder if my friend’s room is actually a safe space or not or if it sort of is but she’d still vote against me having equal rights to her

I don’t want to have to wonder if I’ll ever have true friends in meatspace

I don’t want to take two tests tomorrow because on Thursday I threw up breakfast and probably had had the flu for a week so couldn’t take the test then and I haven’t been able to study well for either of them because of depression and exhaustian and still being sick.

I don’t want to continue living on this hall where I have to hear that asshole‘s voice because the walls are too thin and he practically lives here

I don’t want to have to move when he doesn’t

I don’t want the best place to move to be so far from everything else that on days like this it’ll be even more difficult to drag myself to class or food.

I don’t want to have to convince some cis guy that I’m depressed just to get medicine that may not even help

I don’t want to worry about money any more

I don’t want to deal with this