Why I don’t like coming out as trans

Anyone who’s been following this blog for a long time (and, well, I’m really impressed if you’re still around as it’s kind of dead) might know that I have/had horrible social dysphoria. I say have/had because it’s starting to chill down for the most part, but it’s still there with a vengeance in the wrong situations.

I don’t mind so much, now, getting misgendered by strangers, in part because I’ve gotten better at avoiding situations where people will gender me too much. It’s not always possible, but limiting it helps.. I’ve accepted that I do not pass as male at all, that I really don’t want to take testosterone so likely never will, and I’ve come to accept that being misgendered by people who don’t know better isn’t commentary about me. It isn’t saying a word about my body or genitals, they have no way of knowing about that, or that I fit XYZ gender roles, or anything else. I’m still not at the point where I’m comfortable dressing as feminine as I’d like to, I still feel pressure not to “justify” their misgendering, but I’m at least a bit better at being misgendered.

Our society really doesn’t allow strangers to do anything else, especially not employees who could get in trouble at work by doing something subversive like asking someone’s pronouns. Most people will get offended by that question, and that’s cissexist but it’s the case. Also, asking is so complicated even for trans people. A person who isn’t out trans being asked around family will have to either lie or risk being outted, or if the wrong person overhears the answer it may put the person in danger. Ideally we wouldn’t assume pronouns, but there are reasons that asking is difficult. So even people who may be trans friendly will be nervous asking about pronouns. Is that right? No, it sucks, I wish it would change, but I’m stuck with it and learning to deal with it.

(note that this doesn’t excuse society, trans people shouldn’t be put in danger by being outted and cis people shouldn’t get offended when someone doesn’t assume they’re definitely their gender, and it doesn’t mean that trans people who can’t deal with being misgendered should suddenly be fine with it. Each individual is in a different situation, there are so many reasons why being misgendered by strangers is deeply hurtful and even terrifying for many trans people, and that needs to be acknowledged and respected. It’s just why I, personally, can deal with it)

But after I tell someone, that changes. As soon as I come out to someone, and ask for pronouns, misgendering me becomes deeply hurtful. It hurts to reveal something very personal and risky about myself, to express a need to someone, and have that person ignore it. When they acknowledge they messed up and apologize, then it’s easier to deal with, but I’ve had a lot of people just not care, and the more that happens the less willing I am to tell people.

A dream of sorts

Right now I’m taking a figure drawing class. Basically, we draw nude models. It should come as no surprise that some of the explanations of the figure are cissexist. But every day in that class I get thinking:

I really want to have a trans figure drawing class.

Trans people predominantly (both students and models), cis people have to prove that they’ll be okay and will be kicked out the first time they say something bigoted. Trans models of all genders and any stage of medical treatment and non-treatment, I suppose the occasional cis model if I can’t get a trans one but, again, they have to prove they’ll be okay. For each model, give all the artists a paper with what kind of body the model has (self determined), what pronouns to use, what gender the model is, and (if the model’s okay with it) any medical transition information. Try my best to pay the models more than is usual for this, try to make sure that any who really need the money are definitely comfortable with doing it, even if that means having parts covered up. Major sliding scale, hopefully also getting donations so that for people who can’t afford anything and want to be there anyways I can give them all the materials. Do my best to make sure it’s in a place that’s completely accessible and to make sure that anyone who has issues with standing up for long periods of time (model or student) or whatever else is accommodated.

I don’t know if it’ll ever happen. But I would really like to have a place for trans art students to be able to learn to draw the body without having to deal with cissexism. And I would also really, really, really like to have a place where ideas about the body are thrown out the door to help with detangling every lie we’ve been fed about the body.

Pronoun Hierarchy- Updated

Slight changes made to the old one.

(text version:)

Best: Nin, nim, nims, nimself; they/them/their/theimself

Acceptable: he/him/his/himself; Thon/thon/thons/thonself

Activism-only*: it/it/its/itself

Not good: Other invented pronouns

Just don’t: sie/hir/hirs/hirself

There are easier ways to get me to stop talking to you: she/her/hers/herself

Number fail: they/them/their/themselves

Nin is based on a German suggested pronoun that I have no idea if anyone actually uses but I actually really like.

Pronouns

Singular they, as I’ve probably mentioned, is starting to bother me. Unfortunately, I still haven’t found any pronoun I like better. This came up because I sent an email to a teacher asking him to use singular they for me, and he replied with “did you have ‘s/he’, ‘it’ or any other form in mind?”. I don’t know what he would’ve said if I gave another pronoun, but it definitely suggests he’s open to the idea. How often does that happen? And it aggravates the hell out of me that I can’t respond with anything but an explanation of singular they because there isn’t any pronoun that I feel comfortable asking people to use.

Blame

I really need to come up with a pseudonym for the leader of the cisCenter… But, back at the thing that “didn’t go as bad as it could’ve“, she asked me if I blamed Keith for what was happening. I’m not really sure what she wants me to say- yes. I blame Keith for his actions. I already acknowledged my part in it, but that doesn’t erase what he’s done. I do not control him, I am not responsible for his actions and he is not responsible for mine. So, yes, I do blame Keith for what he’s done because he’s the one that’s done it. But I didn’t say that, I said “I didn’t think he’s doing it on purpose, but he is doing it” or something like that.

And, you know what, no. I don’t blame Keith for what happened. I blame her. Because I don’t think Keith is the one who put those ideas in his head. She called him and his girlfriend the “Best Allies”. I’m sure she’s the one who either put the idea that being an ally means you’re allowed to mistreat the people you’re an ally of because you’re more important. And the way she treats trans people, well, it’s no surprise.

Entitlement

I actually have a pretty big sense of entitlement. Actually, no, I don’t. I have a perfectly average sense of entitlement. I expect to be treated like a human, I expect people to be able to treat me with the same basic niceties they treat other people with, I expect those who love me to be able to treat me with respect, I expect people to be able to talk about me in a way that’s not inherently othering or demeaning or otherwise offensive. But because of how I am, wanting all of this is unacceptable. I’m being selfish. I expect too much from people. I need to be more patient (even if I’ve “been patient” for years).

I have a different view of coming out to, from what I can tell, most non-straight and non-cis people. I hate doing it. Not just because I hate dealing with cis supremacy and other bullshit, but because I shouldn’t have to. No straight people have to come out. Cis people certainly don’t. A cis person almost never has to ask for their pronouns to be respected. I want that, that thing that straight cis people get without ever thinking about it because it’s so natural. I want my gender and sexuality to be as acknowledged in society as the genders and sexualities of cis and straight people. I either want my gender and sexuality to be assumed correctly by other people, or never assumed for anyone. And wanting this is seen as unacceptable, yet straight cis people get to want it all they want.

I don’t mind people making a big deal out of getting my pronouns right. Doing so makes it obvious that a mistake has been both made and acknowledged. I was delighted when one of the professors I will sadly never be able to take a class with made a big deal at saying “she” and followed up with “He… Nin?*”. Maybe the people at the table didn’t get it, but that’s fine. I don’t mind people telling others that I’m trans and asexual, what my gender is (so long as they do so correctly and respectfully), and what pronouns to use. It saves me having to do so. It bugs me when people talk to others about me, but if they’re going to do so anyways I’d like them to at least be helpful when doing it.

This is a personal preference, of course. I definitely don’t want this to be seen as normal activities and for people in another situation than mine this would be incredibly dangerous for people to do, which is one reason that I don’t really express this preference too much. I do not want some straight/cis person getting into the habit of outting me because I want them to only for them to think it’s fine to for all non straight/cis people, hurting someone and possibly putting them in danger.

*A suggested german gender neutral pronoun. He’s a german teacher who I asked about gender neutrality for people (He knows a non-binary person and gets it) and I found this and he read it for me, hence that. I actually really like it…

Not Your Mom’s Trans 101

Not Your Mom’s Trans 101.  Introduction below:

There is a huge problem with the way that people are taught about gender in this society. Children are indoctrinated early to believe that there are two sexes, corresponding with two genders, which are both immutable and non-voluntary and completely beyond our control. This worldview is called the gender binary, and it has no room in it for us.

Trying to teach a new perspective to the victims of this extremely aggressive brainwashing can be daunting. In fact, the task can seem downright impossible. The temptation, therefore, is to “dumb things down” for the benefit of a cisgender audience. This situation has given rise to a set of oversimplifications collectively known as “Trans 101.” These rather absurd tropes, such as “blank trapped in a blank’s body” cause confusion among even well-meaning cis folks, feed internalized transphobia among us trans people, and  provide endless straw-man fodder for transphobic ‘radical feminists,’ entitled cisgender academics, and other bigots.

Read this. It is awesome, and I love the way that Asher words things. One thing that I don’t like about how trans 101 works is that it dumbs it down, which means two things. 1. Trans people are too complicated to be explained without putting us in cis-acceptable (aka: transphobic) terminology 2. cis people are too stupid to understand trans people.

Obviously, this being a cis privileged world, the first is what’s believed. But I really don’t buy into the second one. Cis people are perfectly capable of understanding trans stuff- they just choose not to.

Also, “dumbing it down” is really code for “allowing trans experiences to be defined and controlled by cis people”. It isn’t dumbed down the way trans people feel is appropriate- it’s catered to the way that cis people demand that the information be presented to them, and way too many refuse to accept it any other way.

Social Dysphoria

For anyone who doesn’t know- there are 2 basic types of dysphoria that I know of (in terms of trans people). Social and Bodily. I had, and sometimes still have, pretty awful bodily dysphoria for my chest. Bad enough that I didn’t notice the social. Now that the chest is gone, I’m keenly aware of the social dysphoria.

I hate being seen as a girl, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the pathetic excuses people give me for why it’s my fault they thought I was a girl. I’m sick of being afraid when I use the men’s room and hating myself when I use the women’s. I really don’t enjoy having to come out to get my pronouns even close to right (or at least not dead wrong). I don’t enjoy wondering if, because I had to come out to try and get people to stop thinking of me as a girl, they really still think of me as one and are just humoring me. I don’t enjoy being called a “lady” or “miss” by complete strangers- people laugh at me when I say “Hey– person with the [notable article of clothing/object/whatever]“, but that’s something I wouldn’t care about being called.

Woes of the non-binary polyglot

I am a linguaphile and aspiring polyglot. I love languages. I want to know as many as possible.  And now it’s time to plan next semester classes… Which is a hassle. One thing I’d like to do is figure out how to do German, but I don’t really know  if I can. Not just practically… It makes me really sad. German is a highly gendered language- I’ve heard native speakers bitch about this to me because they can’t get tehir gender acknowledged without completely overhauling the system. I get hte feeling that they don’t quite understand how much trans people are overhauling the English system (though I realize it isn’t as much), especially non-binaries. But it’s not a bad language and I might be able to spread a bit of overhaul myself. I also did 2 years of it in Highschool and it’s useful for learning my One True Love- Icelandic.

But it makes me uncomfortable. Not being a native speaker, their equivalent of it (es) has no negative connotations for me. I actually kind of like it- definitely more than er (he) or sie (she). But I don’t know if the teacher would balk that I’m confusing the students if I tried to use it (damn non-binaries trying to make binaries think it’s okay to be an it), even though I’d still be one person in a class of however many people who use er or sie. And that doesn’t solve the problem even if he lets me. The teacher can’t just say I’m his student. He has to say that I’m either his male student or his female student. No one can just say I’m their friend- I’m either their male friend or their female friend. You don’t just have to avoid pronouns, you have to avoid nouns when talking about me. That’s hard. And maybe I’d be okay with being der Student and der Freund (both male). But I’d still like to be es, and I don’t know that “male nouns with neuter pronouns” would really work for me.

And maybe the teacher won’t be okay with letting me be der Student or der Freund because of how I look. Or maybe he would, but wouldn’t correct people (although I imagine he’d correct anyone who called a cis woman der Student instead of die Studentin), leaving it up to me to have to disrupt the class by calling out misgendering and having to face people who refuse to accept that, maybe, they were wrong about a person’s gender.

I tried to talk to the teacher about this when I tried to audit the class this semester (conflict schedule) but he misunderstood. He thought I had a hard time remembering the grammatical gender. Remembering that skirt is male and tie is female. He made a comment about “You could say die Vater (female the + male father) but people would snigger and you’d figure out you’d done something wrong”*. He didn’t get that my complaint wasn’t that. I can deal with memorizing gender. I now get that gender is real and that it matters and how sucky misgendering is- and I actually apply this to nouns because I rock at anthropomorphizing.  I can memorize gender.

The other German professor? I actually kind of cornered him while he was getting dessert and started a 10 minute long conversation about gender neutrality in German. It was a fucking awesome conversation and I now sincerely like and respect him for it Turns out he knows a person with a non-binary gender. Maybe he wouldn’t correct people, but I might be able to get him to use “es” for me and I feel more comfortable asking. But his class is at the same time as Latin and I want to major in Classical languages. Taking a semester off of Latin would actually set me back a good year and could seriously disrupt my major, especially if I want to do a year abroad. And he’s leaving after this year, so I can’t just take it next year.

It just really sucks because I’d really, really like to do German, but I really worry about the class. I don’t know if I can do it, and I hate that. I hate how damn difficult it is to find a language where people can just say Hello to me without misgendering me or that I’m not forced to misgender myself just by saying “I”. I hate that no language exists where it’s possible for me to truly talk about my gender without having to find either a non-binary acknowledging subculture or having to invent new words. I can’t even really ask what languages might work because most people who study languages are so fucking binary and won’t understand what I want out of this likely non-existant language. (from what I can tell, most languages with a “third gender” really just othered either cis LGB people from cis straight people, or trans men/women from cis men/women (respectively), or both. Not what I want.)

And that sucks like hell. It really sucks that binarism is so heavily ingrained into just about every society that I have a hard time believing that anything but the most obscure, long-dead language will have anything for me. And in that case- who the hell could I even talk to in it?

 

*That actually got me thinking. You could say “die Vater“. Grammatical gender corresponds to the gender of the person you’re speaking about- that’s why you have to say “der Student” or “die Studentin“. No, no, you can make father female by adding -in. Die Vaterin. I dont’ know exactly what it would mean- I don’t know how many women who have “fathered” children would want to be die Vaterin of her children instead of die Mutter- but you could do it. You can have a female father. (sadly, can’t do the same to die Mutter) This just seems incredibly awesome to me. And if we just put in another gender that’s acceptable for humans, well, we can have a non-binary or gender less father, too! And maybe even a mother! This just seems awesome.

Singular they IS grammatically accurate

One reason that I posted my pronoun hierarchy, other than that it’s just a damn good thing to know, is so that this post makes sense.

One of hte things the center wanted to do was email teachers who wouldn’t use singular they for me or my partner (but, at least mine, would use he which is fine by me, even if the grammatical excuse pisses me off because it’s not accurate). I think they saw this on-par with not using she for a woman of any kind- but it really isn’t. Well, it may be for my partner, but it isn’t for me. So I try to get them to chill out, not to attack this person because she didn’t disrespect my pronouns.

She did say something that made my inner linguophillic grammar nazi twitch by suggesting singular they is gramatically incorrect- which I will complain about mightily- but she didn’t say anything that was disrespectful to me. This is also why their “but you shouldn’t have to prove singular they is grammatically accurate!” was met with a dull blank stare. But, um, that was my biggest problem with our conversation. If it doesn’t matter, why are we doing this?

Given her demeanor in the conversation, I imagine that if I had said “look, I really don’t want you using he or anything else- please use singular they” she would have said “alright, I’ll work on it then” (and if she hadn’t, then I could understand the anger and would be right there). But that’s not what happened.

Maybe I’m just weird, but a lot of things are more complicated for non-binaries than they are for men and women. Starting with pronouns. Unlike men and women, we do not have a set of pronouns (or anything else). While a man can say “I am a man” and instantly the person knows what pronouns, titles, etc to use for this person- I cannot say “I am a neutrois” and have the same list spring to mind. The list doesn’t exist. While this is cool in the sense that it gives more freedom, it’s complicated because I don’t know if people get this.

There certainly are non-binary people for whom only one pronoun will do and any others is painful (and this is so not permission to use any pronoun you want for us- recheck my hierarchy. There are only 3 acceptable ones), but there are also others like me where there’s actually a range of things that work and don’t work and I’m hesitant to let someone else attack someone for saying “The optimum choice doesn’t work for me, but this option that’s acceptable for you does, is that alright?”.