Why I don’t like coming out as trans

Anyone who’s been following this blog for a long time (and, well, I’m really impressed if you’re still around as it’s kind of dead) might know that I have/had horrible social dysphoria. I say have/had because it’s starting to chill down for the most part, but it’s still there with a vengeance in the wrong situations.

I don’t mind so much, now, getting misgendered by strangers, in part because I’ve gotten better at avoiding situations where people will gender me too much. It’s not always possible, but limiting it helps.. I’ve accepted that I do not pass as male at all, that I really don’t want to take testosterone so likely never will, and I’ve come to accept that being misgendered by people who don’t know better isn’t commentary about me. It isn’t saying a word about my body or genitals, they have no way of knowing about that, or that I fit XYZ gender roles, or anything else. I’m still not at the point where I’m comfortable dressing as feminine as I’d like to, I still feel pressure not to “justify” their misgendering, but I’m at least a bit better at being misgendered.

Our society really doesn’t allow strangers to do anything else, especially not employees who could get in trouble at work by doing something subversive like asking someone’s pronouns. Most people will get offended by that question, and that’s cissexist but it’s the case. Also, asking is so complicated even for trans people. A person who isn’t out trans being asked around family will have to either lie or risk being outted, or if the wrong person overhears the answer it may put the person in danger. Ideally we wouldn’t assume pronouns, but there are reasons that asking is difficult. So even people who may be trans friendly will be nervous asking about pronouns. Is that right? No, it sucks, I wish it would change, but I’m stuck with it and learning to deal with it.

(note that this doesn’t excuse society, trans people shouldn’t be put in danger by being outted and cis people shouldn’t get offended when someone doesn’t assume they’re definitely their gender, and it doesn’t mean that trans people who can’t deal with being misgendered should suddenly be fine with it. Each individual is in a different situation, there are so many reasons why being misgendered by strangers is deeply hurtful and even terrifying for many trans people, and that needs to be acknowledged and respected. It’s just why I, personally, can deal with it)

But after I tell someone, that changes. As soon as I come out to someone, and ask for pronouns, misgendering me becomes deeply hurtful. It hurts to reveal something very personal and risky about myself, to express a need to someone, and have that person ignore it. When they acknowledge they messed up and apologize, then it’s easier to deal with, but I’ve had a lot of people just not care, and the more that happens the less willing I am to tell people.

I Am Not a Teacher

I don’t get money to teach people about my ‘issues’, I don’t get money to put up with people being mean to me, it’s not my job to fix things.

The LGBTQ center at our school is outright transphobic, and every time I tell someone about this they talk about how I have to fix it. And, you know what, I don’t. I tried, I really did, I spent a full year trying and it was horrible. My anxiety went through the roof, there were several weeks where I was constantly shaking and literally couldn’t relax, I could barely sleep. There are people on this campus who treated me so badly that I start shaking whenever I see them. And when things started getting better, someone who didn’t know anything about trans issues (I’m not joking, I mentioned a trans woman and he said “What’s that mean?”) took over completely, invited the transphobic people who I can’t see without shaking to the trans support meetings (these people are NOT transgender, in fact, they get offended if someone thinks they might be and think it’s a bigger deal to misgender cis people than trans people).

So, no, I’m done. I’m more worried about my studies and future. Being trans doesn’t mean that I got given the job to actively make everything trans-friendly, even if it puts my health at risk. It doesn’t automatically make me an activist. It’s not my job to educate people.

(originally posted on tumblr)

Swimsuit Season

There are a lot of people for whom swimsuit season sucks. Trans people are, more often than not, part of those people. Just for different reasons. Swimsuits, public showers, and swimming pools are a special brand of complicated for trans people.

For binary gender trans people- there are loads of concerns depending on how far/if you’re transitioning medically. A trans woman who is consistently read as a woman, has taken estrogen to grow breasts, but still has a penis- well, you can imagine how much fun crotch-tight swimsuits are for her. For a trans man who has breasts, he has to wear a binder and then likely wear a shirt that won’t show the binder over it. Also, finding a packer that works with water is fun-times.

And for non-binary people, it’s often just complicated.

I’m bringing this up as a person who’s gotten top surgery… but still has scars. They’re a lot better than they were, but one of my nipples looks really weird thanks to the #@$#@$@ surgeon. I’m right now staying with people who have a pool (being poor and staying with rich people is… really weird). My partner won’t be using it because of their own dysphoria. I want to… but. But I don’t know if it’d be okay for me to just wear my swim trunks. I don’t really want to have to wear a shirt in the pool, I’ve never liked that. It’s an awkward question to have to ask.

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I give up.

I give up on trying to learn East Asian Languages at this school. I cannot take a class with that teacher, I’m not nearly neurotypical enough to, so Japanese is out. And the Chinese teacher…

Over the break before the semester started, I emailed him about pronouns. As I do with all my teachers. After an interaction that ended with him failing to get back to me, he decided that while he “understood my view” he wasn’t going to do it. In class, not only have the students used the incredibly triggering “she” for me, so did he. One girl picked up on all of it and corrected someone to “he” once. It should tell you the state of the world that that was probably the most heartfelt thank you anyone has gotten from me.

Mandarin, which is just spoken*, has a neutral 3rd-singular pronoun for all. “ta“, with a high flat tone. Should be ideal, right?

No. I know that the people using it think I’m a girl, so it’s now triggering. I’ve never been in favor of only one pronoun, but times like this remind me of why I want gender-implying pronouns. Or even if not gender implying, respect implying. And I don’t give a damn if cis people think they’re being respectful when they smash my identity under their heals and pour salt into wounds that may never heal- they aren’t. I don’t know how to fix this, I realized it one day and wanted to throw up.

I don’t have the spoons to try again with him. I’m finishing this semester, and that’s it.

The way the class is being taught, I should be able to teach myself well enough after it’s over. I have a few people I could get to know better who speak Mandarin Chinese way better than me. I would say natively, but I know one hasn’t been from birth and I don’t know when it counts as natively. Better than me, at least. I don’t know how well I can keep in contact if they go back to China over summer, but I’ll try.

This is upsetting for me. I would’ve liked to minor in one of them, I’m not very good at teaching myself (although at least with Japanese, my partner intends to become a Japanese teacher). This world doesn’t believe you can teach yourself. I’m going to try to get the school, specifically that teacher (apparently, for some reason, she’s allowed to make all decisions when people try to go to Japan), to let me go to a University that has a program specifically for people who have little to no knowledge of Japanese (and also teaches Latin, Ancient Greek, and Chinese) for my year abroad so my partner and I won’t be half a world away.

*the written Chinese language, if you can read it, can be read no matter what dialect is spoken by the writer. There are probably differences in writing style, but the words are the same because they’re characters. I think simplified vs traditional isn’t as easily understandable, although not all characters effect.

The Chinese language has 3 written 3rd-singular pronouns- one for men, one for women, one for inanimate objects. I am totally okay with being called the inanimate object one if it’s done with respect.

No Options

I have serious problems with social dysphoria. I would really like help with this, but there don’t seem to be any real options. The school counselor probably doesn’t really know enough to offer any really helpful suggestions. Most gender therapists, based both on my experiences and hearing from others, would end badly. I’d first have to find one who isn’t binarist or else face them trying to force me to decide if I’m a boy or a girl. Then I have to find one who has experience in this, because most of the time it seems like they only know how to help people transition because that’s the  main reason a lot of trans people see a gender therapist.

I’m trying to work on it myself, but it’s slow going. I don’t really know how to work on it.

Entertainment

One of the most annoying things, for me, of not having privileges is how hard it is to find entertainment that isn’t triggering. It’s next to impossible. I read a lot of webcomics, and a ton of them throw in random transphobia for the hell of it. Something Positive makes “tranny” jokes (I can not be bothered to find proof), and the author hasn’t gotten back to me about why. C’est La Vie just… ugh. Same with El Goonish Shive. I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and on.

And, most recently (for me), Scandinavia and the World failed. Twice. First: (both quotes are from the artist’s comments) “Denmark was the first country in the world to turn a transsexual man into a woman. … Sweden is not a fan of man-boobs” Second: “Denmark once invented man-breasts“

HAHAHAHA IT’S SO FUNNY BECAUSE, SEE, THE AUTHOR DOESN’T KNOW JACKSHIT ABOUT TRANSITION OR WHAT GOES INTO IT OR HOW THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE, REGARDLESS OF COERCIVELY ASSIGNED SEX, HAVE BREAST TISSUE OR HOW SOME CAMAB PEOPLE NATURALLY HAVE “BREASTS” AND BECAUSE TRANS WOMEN AREN’T REALLY WOMEN, THEY’RE MEN- HAHA, SILLY MEN WHO THINK THEY ARE WOMEN

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, really, I’ve got two options here:

1. Figure out how to be completely unphased by this, especially because there are no trigger warnings so I can’t be like “okay, this next bit contains transphobia, I’m ready”.

2. Stop trying to read things I enjoy because it may end up like this, which is seriously upsetting for me.

A rant about a teacher

My partner is majoring in Japanese. My partner’s Japanese teacher is the head of the department and also one of only two people (one of whom is away and will be for most of our time in college) who can be my partner’s academic advisor. She has a lot of power over my partner. This is not a good thing.

The first thing about her that bothered me is that she’s commented on how she doesn’t want to produce “handicapped Japanese speakers”. By this she means she wants everyone in class to be as fluent as possible. But it doesn’t erase the ablism of it. The way she teaches class, a deaf person would almost certainly not be able to learn, and my partner has a hard time due to undiagnosed hearing problems (they probably need a hearing aid, but yay being poor with sucky health insurance). The undiagnosed making it impossible to get the school to tell her to lay off, although I doubt she would anyways.

This teacher expects you to go to class sick. Not just go to class, but go to class completely prepared and able to function as well as you can while not sick. If you can’t do this, she gets furious with you. She gets furious with you if you don’t go to class. Generally not going to class is the better option, but she still expects students to go to class no matter how sick they are and do just as well as they would on a good day.

She also communicates very badly. I don’t mean this to be a jab at her English. I mean that she’ll say “You can use your books in class” then get angry when people use their books in class. I think that what she wants to happen is that she says “You can use your books in class” and then everyone is so awesome that they don’t need to even though they have the option. Similarly, she says “you shouldn’t be afraid to make mistakes in class”. However, if you make a mistake she felt that you shouldn’t have made, she won’t call on you for the rest of the class, meaning that you lose valuable practice. Again, I think what she wants to happen is for her to say that and then everyone is so awesome that they don’t make mistakes. This sets up an incredibly frustrating situation for everyone.

My partner is a UK citizen and a permanent resident in the US. Most of the people in the class are US citizens. The teacher sometimes sends out emails with scholarship opportunities to study Japanese, at least one of which said it was only open to US citizens. My partner pointed this out and the teacher responded with an email giving a link that had to be followed through several pages just to be told “Countries who have an agreement with Japan” (which may or may not include the UK). This link was accompanied with scolding that in the future, my partner should do their own research. She then publicly said to the class not to email her about unnecessary things, which is something she does to publicly shame students.  Let me point out once again that US citizens are not expected to do their own research.

And right now my partner is passed out exhausted next to me and can’t rest as long as they need to and has another unneeded stressor added. Namely, the teacher decided that because they have a midterm tomorrow and can’t study for a test for tomorrow, my partner should just do it today. This was decided this morning, the test’ll be at 2. So rather than having the extra time to study for the midterm at a relaxed pace, my partner will instead be cramming for a test.

This is all without going into the utter fail of the sections on gender or that she forces my partner to use male first-person pronouns (when there are fine neutral options) and say they have a “wife”.

I am not happy with her at all, and there are plenty of other things I’d love to tell her off for. But the problem is that she is the only Japanese teacher in the school and essentially the only person who can be my partner’s advisor. My partner is stuck with this person for 2 of the next 3 years (plans to go to Japan for Junior year. We get to arm wrestle with the school to get them to let me go to a place in Kyoto for a semester as well because she doesn’t want people to go to Japan unless they’re doing it her way).  I do not think that she is in any way above making my partner’s life hell if I let her know that she’s already discriminating against my partner on the basis of their citizenship. Which I’m pretty sure is against the school rules to do, but I don’t know who to go to about this because, again, she’s the head of the department and I can’t risk getting someone involved only for her to take it out on my partner.

Horrible System

This school caters to rich kids. What this means is that they expect you to have a lot of spare change, so that it’s okay for them to randomly shut the dining hall to make people eat at the fundraising dinner for the school. Which really, really bites you in the ass when you aren’t rich.

One of the issues is that, if you miss a counseling appointment, they charge you money. Now, I could understand that if you get charged $X for every session, so even if you miss that session you still get charged that $X. But, no, that’s not how it works. They only charge you when you miss it. So if you’re missing it because you’re really stressed out and have been sick for a month and really did try (I set a fucking alarm and everything) and still managed to miss it, you get charged. Which is fine if you’re rich and have a lot of money on hand, so mummy and daddy give you a stern talking to about being more responsible while pumping a few hundred more dollars into their account.

When you haven’t got that much disposable income? Not so great. It costs 3 weeks of pay for every appointment I miss. I’ve missed two, entirely by accident. 2 weeks ago I realized exactly an hour late that I had an appointment. Today I really did mean to. I was reminded of it every time I checked my email. I set an alarm to go off half an hour before it. But it ended up under a pile of about 5 coats during dinner so I didn’t hear it. I didn’t have enough time today to check my email because I’ve been so tired because, once again, I’m sick. I can’t do that. I’m too stressed out to be getting counseling appointments because I keep forgetting them and get charged money I don’t have for it.

This also means that I didn’t get my prescription for anti-depressants, but I can’t do this right now. Weening yourself off something over 2 days is hardly a good plan, but it’s what I’ve got to work with. And I can’t help but be so pissed off and upset that this school is set up that this is the option I’m left with.

T

Reasons not to start T (personal list, please be aware this applies to me only):

• Baldness runs in my family, I love my hair
• more body hair, do not want
• more acne, I have severe issues with my acne already
• can’t control how deep my voice becomes
• clitoral growth, may end up being another source of dysphoria and makes it harder to use STPs and the surgery to be able to pee through it is fucking expensive
• Different health risks
• Give up the ability to pretend to be cis when I need to
• Need fucking expensive surgery to be able to change all my legal information
• Doing this may invalidate my marriage in the eyes of the government and result in my partner being deported
• May not be any happier being seen as male full time
• Make wearing dresses & skirts much more dangerous
• May never fully pass as a cis male
• shots are painful, and get more painful as time goes on, cost money I don’t really have. All other forms are incredibly expensive.
• Not sure what emotional effects it will have
• Not sure if I’d like what it’d do to my overall body shape or facial features
• Sweat more

Reasons to start T:

• Might get people to stop reading me as female
• Easier time building muscle

That this is still something I’m seriously considering should shed a little light on just how freaking awful social dysphoria can be.