Parenting and Consent

I hope it’s obvious to anyone who’s read this blog that consent is a big deal to me. A really big deal. It only makes sense that this translates into what kind of parent I want to be.

At least at the start, parenting consensually is a bit of a tightrope. You start out holding a slippery, wriggling, unbearably fragile human being who is ultimately a near-stranger to you, and you’re responsible for their well-being. Sure, many kids start showing personality in the womb, but the womb is pretty different. Your child’s needs are generally met immediately. Constant supply of nutrients, constant comfort, constant human contact, huge liquid bubble to protect from harm, etc. Then they’re thrown into a world where they’re reliant on near-strangers to meet those needs.

Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

To Parents Revisited

6 years ago now, I wrote an open letter to parents of gender diverse kids.  It generated some response, including a few people pointing out that I wasn’t a parent. Well, I am a parent now. I’ve been a parent for 4 years. I’m the parent of a vocally non-cisgender child as well. And I’ve read over that post a few times with my evolving viewpoint.

I smile sadly and shake my head, knowing that my self from 6 years ago would be rolling their eyes at me.

I’m glad that I wrote it before having kids, I don’t think I would have been as harsh now. That would have been a disservice. It needs to be harsh. It needs to make you think. It needs to make your stomach squirm.

I now have far more sympathy for how complicated and difficult parenting can be, yes. I also believe even more strongly that parents can’t afford to be complacent when it comes to gender creative, gender variant, gender diverse, transgender kids.

We have to question ourselves, we have to face our discomfort and fear.
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Stop Putting Dads Down- Hold Them to Higher Standards

This applies to other areas, but right now it annoys me most when I see this happening in parenting: The expectation that men won’t be good, involved, equal parents.

Some of this is people actively putting men down, insisting that they’re not capable of it. Some of this is attacking stay-at-home dads or making disparaging remarks of dads who are actively involved in their kids’ lives. Some of this is just talking about the current status quo without pointing out it needs to change. Some of this is over-the-top congratulations to men who do the bare minimum of parenting, making it clear that this is seen as an exceptional thing for men to do even though women are expected to do far more. Some of this is referring to men caring for their own kids as “babysitting”. Occasionally, I do see people pointing out that this is just gender stereotypes, that men are perfectly capable of being good, active, even primary parents- but not nearly often enough.

This isn’t some “but what about men” thing. This hurts women.

Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Give Dad The Baby and Go Out: The Best Parenting Decision My Partner Ever Made

When we had our first baby, I was terrified to be alone with them.

I did my best to take care of the baby, but avoided being left alone with them like the plague. I couldn’t handle even a few minutes of it.

As a father, this is what a lot of people expect. I imagine many mothers reading this rolling their eyes and pursing their lips at yet another useless dad shoving his responsibility on someone else. Tale as old as time, right?

Here’s the twist: I’m the one who had given birth to that baby.

Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

On RuPaul and Trans Drag

I’m resurrecting this blog for a moment, to comment on the latest RuPaul Drama.

When I was 16, I asked my dad to buy me a binder.

A few months later, I came out as trans. (because screw order)

A few months after that, I bought my first corset and a skirt and put together a drag costume. The year I came out, I went to a comic convention in full drag.

I bound my breasts so I could feel comfortable wearing falsies. I strapped a fake dick between my legs so I could feel comfortable wearing a skirt. I slathered on makeup to hide my real face so I could feel comfortable wearing lipstick and eyeshadow.

The first time I ever used the men’s room, I was in drag.

At that comic convention, in a corset and skirt and kick-ass boots, I proudly walked into the men’s room with the other freaks and no one batted an eye.

The next fall, I performed. There was a local, charity drag show that my friends told me about and offered to go with me to. I got up and sang the only song I knew I could lip sync to by heart: “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor. At the time I didn’t even know that this was a drag anthem. Nearly a decade earlier, when I strutted in my bedroom choreographing dances to RuPaul’s “Supermodel”, I didn’t even realize what drag was. Somehow, drag was in my blood.

I got more tips than anyone that night. (For charity!)

I loved it. I was fantastic at it.

I gave it up out of fear.

I was already in a very vulnerable, raw, and insecure place. Coming out as trans is hard, and there were far fewer resources a decade ago. I was screwed over by the local gender therapist and had to fight just to get access to the life saving resources I desperately needed. It took 3 years for me to finally get top surgery. 3 years of barely being able to leave the house due to crippling dysphoria. 3 years of binding that ended up doing nerve damage.

At that time, the thought of trying to enter the drag community was terrifying. Maybe I would have been accepted, I’d like to think that, I sure as hell could have used a drag mother to teach me self-confidence and how to talk back, but the risk of rejection was too much. It would have killed me. That is not an exaggeration. I didn’t look like a drag queen was supposed to, and I couldn’t bring myself to take that risk.

This all happened before RuPaul’s Drag Race ever aired.

I didn’t find out about Drag Race until season 3 or so (apparently I live under a rock). Watching it was wonderful, it feels like being at home. Some of the wisdom Ru shared with her queens has made a very real, major impact on my life.

I would often fantasize about being on Drag Race. Wonder if I could have gotten on or won if I’d stuck with drag.

It hurts like hell to find out that the answer is “No”.

And not because I lacked the Charisma, or the Uniqueness, or the Nerve, or the Talent. (fun fact: Took me 4 years to realize what the acronym for that was!)

Solely because of my body.

It hurt like hell to hear my idol, a person I deeply respect, who has made a huge impact on me, has validated one of my deepest fears:

I don’t look like a drag queen, so I would never have truly been accepted.


Leave a comment

Filed under move, Uncategorized

Be Careful of Depo

Depo Provera is somewhat popular in the trans community. It’s most likely to stop periods, which is a life-saver for trans folk who are highly dysphoric during that time. It’s covered by most insurance and is far easier to get than T, as well, so it’s helpful for those who either don’t want T or who can’t get on it yet. (also, although this is aimed at the trans community, it’s certainly useful information for cis women considering depo as well)

There’s a not unheard of side effect, though, that I not a lot of people talk about. Namely: prolonged periods, sometimes lasting months.

Continue reading


Filed under Uncategorized


I found out about The Binding Health Project. For some reason, it won’t let me take the survey, but I wanted to talk about my experiences binding anyways. I already posted this on my tumblr, but I’m posting it again here.

It says it’s not accepting additional responses at this time.

I was never evaluated for specific problems, well nothing came back showing problems, so I don’t know for certain. It’s possible that in the future I’ll end up having problems brought on by the binding. I bound from late 2007/early 2008 until getting surgery in spring of 2010, many people bind for far longer before they’re able to get surgery.

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

“Wrong Body”

I’m sure I’ve said it before, but I wish we would stop pushing the “wrong body” narrative* of what it means to be trans.

I know it’s how some people view their situation- and that’s fine. Use the words to describe your experiences that feel right for you.

But it bothers me that a lot of education and information pushes “wrong body”. I’ve been reading things by cis parents of non-cis kids- and they always use those terms “wrong body”. “Gender they were born as [referring to assigned sex]”. Reminding these kids that they were “born “. And these kids hate their bodies.

I know very well what physical dysphoria is- no amount of nicer terms will make it go away. If your brain is wired for you not to have a body part that you do, or to have a body part that you don’t, no amount of “Well, you don’t have to call it a penis/vagina” or “It doesn’t make you a man/woman- plenty of women/men/non-binary folk have those parts!” in the world will make it comfortable.

But I also know what social dysphoria is. I know that some trans people wouldn’t mind their bodies if people could just see who they were. I know that some trans people actually love their bodies- yes, even the “offending parts” that “mark them as the wrong gender” or whatever. This love doesn’t always come naturally, though. It takes time to detangle the negative messages of “penis=man, vulva=woman” and figure out if your feelings towards your own body parts are something innate that can’t be changed, or if they’re the result of toxic and false messages.

I’ve seen a lot more trans men who had no problem with their bodies until puberty. Many assumed from a very young age that they would grow a penis at puberty (if they were able to start T and go through a typically-male puberty first, not actually an inaccurate idea). Most of the time that I hear a child having such hatred towards their body, it’s a little girl. I’ve heard of 3 year olds trying to take scissors to their own genitals, they hate their body that much at that young.

As I said- some of these kids will see their body as “wrong” no matter what their parents or anyone else does, but I wonder how many have even been given the option. I’m not saying that we should lie about the reality of our world- but we’re already transgressing boundaries. Allowing a child with a penis to say “I’m a girl” and live as a girl is already breaking gender norms. She knows that people think her body makes her a boy- why can’t she know that she’s allowed to see her body as just that: hers. As a girl’s body because she is a girl and it is her body. She is allowed to use whatever words make her comfortable when referring to her own body parts.

I know that people have written about this- about how a trans woman’s body is not “a man’s body”, it is her body, the body of a woman, just not the body of a cis woman. And a trans man’s body is not “a woman’s body‘, but the body of a man. And a non-binary person’s body is not the body of a binary-gender person. I can’t find most of the links, in part because lately I’ve found that quite a few of the trans blogs I held most dear have been taken down or made private, but you can at least read the one I linked to.

Milk Junkies has raised concerns about trans kids and reproductive choices– and this ties into what I’m talking about. I don’t think we should push kids away from transitioning, from doing hormone blockers and the right puberty instead of going through Hell. I also don’t think we should push kids to transition. Teaching them that they have “the wrong body”, pushing cisnormative definitions of bodies, telling them that they have “a boy body” or “a girl body” and that the only way to fix this is with hormones and surgery- this is pushing them to transition. This is limiting their options. In the future they may be able to detangle the negative messages they were told even by their supportive, well-meaning loved ones, but by then they’ll already have made choices based on being told how to view their own bodies.

Trans people who need to transition will need to transition no matter what anyone calls their body. Even if we lived in a world that openly accepted trans folk, treated them with respect, where people are never misgendered- there are trans people who will need to transition. Because we don’t live in that world, there are more trans people who will need to transition to be able to socially be accepted as their gender- and no amount of “You don’t have to see your genitals as a “penis” or “vagina”.” or “It’s your body so it’s a [correct gender] body.” will change that.  But being allowed to see their body as their own, to define the gender of their body as they define their own gender, might help cut some of the sting of waiting to be able to fix it.

There are also transgender people who don’t transition and are perfectly happy with their lives. Some live openly as transgender despite not transitioning. Lucas Silveira chose not to take T for years (he has) because he was concerned about its effects on his voice, yet he still lived both openly and publicly as a man. This is more of an option for men and genderqueer folk than women- but the times are changing. Some are only out to trusted few, and that support network is enough for them. Part of being able to live like this, for many of them, is being able to realize that their body is their own and that societal views of gender don’t need to effect their body any more than it effects their identity. I, again, do notthink we should push kids to this. I just think it should be an option that they’re aware of, and that this choice should not be colored by “But I don’t want a “man’s body”.” instead of “This is the choice that will make me happiest and most comfortable in my own skin”.

This isn’t the same as “expecting your child to turn out to be a gay man” based on outdated, poorly understood research or expecting your child to change their mind. This should not be pushed over the child’s own voice- just presented as a valid option. If the child still feels most comfortable with the “wrong body” narrative, that’s the right narrative for that child. It’s possible that the child may spend time mulling it over and weeks, months, even years later change to the “I’m a boy, my body is a boy’s body” narrative- but still need to go on hormone blockers and transition early. And that’s just fine. Because this isn’t about forcing them to change their minds or pushing a life path that’s wrong for them. It’s showing more options than even mainstream trans narratives allow so that as many options as possible are open to them and also about, just maybe, making the time waiting to be able to fully transition just a bit more comfortable.

*Edit– I have been informed that some call referring to “wrong body” as a “narrative” is disempowering. I do not have the same understanding of the word ‘narrative’- there are many narratives that are very empowering. I know that words are far more than just their dictionary definitions to many people and I am now aware that for some people, it has connotations of being a disempowering and possibly even delegitimizing word. I’m sure that people have used it as such, and I apologize for not being aware of the connotation. I regret having come off as dismissive of the way some people express their own experiences, and also that I do not know a better term to use. I have not been able to think of what word to use instead, so it remains, but please feel free to offer suggestions.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Privilege 101 ish

(I’m not entirely sure I’m qualified to talk about this, but I’ll give it a go.)

Privilege doesn’t often come up around people who have it, and when it does it’s generally knocked down with privilege denying and people not bothering to find out what the terms mean before getting offended by it. If you start looking into people who talk about privilege, then you’ll probably see words like “supremacist” and “oppressed” that push quite a few buttons and make people want to deny. But most of the words aren’t quite as harsh as the kyriarchy wants you to believe. So, what is privilege?

Continue reading


Filed under move, Uncategorized

To Parents

The point of this post is to make people think, so, please, only read it if you’re willing to think about it long and hard. This is a post that will upset some cis people. Maybe most. Maybe all. I suggest you read the advice on how not to be defensive when called out on transphobia before you go on if you haven’t already. Actually, just read it, it’s good advice. If you don’t think you have privilege for being cis, don’t think you could POSSIBLY be transphobic, feel that cis is offensive, or are simply unwilling to read this with an open mind- just don’t bother reading it. It’ll be a waste of your time.
Continue reading


Filed under move, Uncategorized